On Innocence Lost.

Day two of writing my face off.

Day 2: "The first time you were called fat. When was it, and how did it change your life?"


The first time I was called fat? Well, here's the thing about it. No one said it. It didn't take the word fat for me to hear that I was fat.

 I was an unusually skinny child. I was a skeleton with skin and a massive head. It was kind of hilarious. A couple years ago a family friend who is like a second father to me was telling a story about me as a kid. He said, "and here comes this huge head on this little body. Brittany was all head." That sums up the first twelve years of my life. Then my body started to change.

Let's start with this. I was NOT fat. I was putting on weight because I was about to grow. You know, puberty and all that. I was probably 4'10" and weighed 80 pounds at most. BUT. I wasn't as skinny as my friend. And that's all it took.

So here's the scene. I'm all of twelve years old. It's the middle of summer and my friend who used to live in the neighborhood but had recently moved came to stay for the weekend. She was a few years younger than me. We were going outside to hang out and ride bikes with some neighborhood friends. Two brothers. One was her age, the other a year older than I was. I liked these boys. We had been friends for a few years and spent a lot of time together. Their opinions mattered to my twelve year-old self esteem. She suggested since it was hot we should wear bathing suits. I dug out my new floral two piece and pulled it on. I had a little extra fat around my tummy, but I didn't even think twice about it. I had always been skinny. She dug around in my drawer and chose a purple one piece to borrow. We grabbed our bikes and rode across the street. The older boy came out on their balcony and yelled down to us. I don't remember what he said. I do remember the gap of time between that moment and the moment he and his brother ran out of their garage. Those were my last moments of true confidence.

The boys came out of their garage, grabbed their bikes, and looked at us. And the older one (who I may have had a very slight crush on) said, "You should have let her wear the bikini. She's skinny. It would've looked better," and then laughed. It felt a lot like being slapped in the face. The way he looked at me. The way he said it. So casually. Like it was nothing. When inside I was breaking apart. I didn't cry. I didn't respond. I didn't act hurt. I ignored it and off we went. But it changed everything. It's been something like 17 years and I still remember what it felt like. It felt like being not good enough. It felt like being unwanted. It felt like the beginning of body image issues that would last years. It felt like the loss of my innocence.

Things I Never Want to Relive

I'm going to spend this month writing my face off. So, here goes....


Day 1: "Write a letter to yourself ten years ago. What do you know now that you wish you'd known then?"


Dear Brittany,

It’s August of 2004, you’re nineteen years old, and you are a couple days away from experiencing your first real kiss. I know you think you’re falling in love right now, but you’re not. If I could tell you anything it would be, “run!” but I know very well you won’t listen to that. So I’m just going to start with take care of yourself.

The next few months are going to be very hard for you. Your life is changing rapidly. You’re falling “in love” and falling apart. Your heart is going to break. You are going to be terrified. Eventually you’ll get used to the panic attacks. And then one day you’ll wake up and realize it’s been months since one has happened. They will go away. You can breathe. The pain and fear….it’s all for the best. It’s not going to seem like it, but it will be.

You’re falling for someone who’s out to eat you alive. He’s not a good guy. He’s controlling, manipulative, and emotionally abusive.  He’s going to make you doubt yourself and feel worthless. But you will get through it. And you will find happiness on the other side. While your heart is breaking you are going to meet the greatest guy. He’s going to make you laugh, he’s going to listen to you whine about your heartache, and in a few years he’s going to sweep you off your feet with stories about tampon people. He’s worth it. He’s going to teach you to take chances and show you what it feels like to be beautiful.

I know you don’t believe it, but you are beautiful. You are strong, smart, funny, and pretty. Be confident. Find that confidence and use it. You’re going through such a dark time and the next year or so is going to be dark. It’s going to be hard. It’ll be years before you realize that this first relationship is really just abuse. It’ll be years before you shed the depression and anxiety and find yourself. You are worth finding. You are worth the search. All of this…all the darkness and heartbreak.....the waking up gasping for breath, the loneliness, the tears, and the happy moments with your best friends…it’s all just pieces of the puzzle. Those experiences are what it is going to take to find yourself. So do it. Find you. Find your confidence, your beauty, your happy places. In the end it’s all just one big adventure. Hold on tight, it’s going to be a wild ride. But you’re going to make it to the other side. And you will be a better person for it.

I love you.

-2014 Brittany

PS Stick with Jamie. She’s your real best friend.